Asking your partner for a paternity test

How to Ask a Partner for a Paternity Test

by HOMEDNA on 06/28/2021

Updated: June, 2021

Asking  for a paternity test can be uncomfortable, especially if you and your partner are in a committed relationship. Even when the conversation is handled delicately, there are bound to be hurt feelings and additional conversations that follow. While it may seem like a lose/lose situation, it’s far less painful to determine the father of a child sooner rather than later. To help prepare for this difficult discussion, consider the following.

If you are the potential father asking the mother for a paternity test

While it is possible to get a paternity test without the mother’s knowledge, it is highly recommended to include her in the process so as to get the most accurate results possible. Because you already know she is the mother, submitting her DNA with both the child’s and your samples provides genetic scientists two sets of DNA against which to compare, resulting in a more conclusive analysis.

If you wish to include her DNA in paternity testing for stronger results, it’s important to include a couple of things for clarification when having your discussion with her:

1. Explain your reasons for wanting to verify the child’s paternity

First, you should explain why you would like a paternity test, whether it is to ease your mind or eliminate even the smallest suspicions. However, remember that to avoid coming off as insulting or offensive, you shouldn’t be accusatory. Your respect for her will make the mother more likely to participate in the paternity testing process.

2. Have a rational discussion about your future involvement with the child and the mother

To make your desires clear, no matter what the paternity test results say, it’s necessary to discuss next steps. If results indicate that you are not the father, both you and your partner should have a clear idea of the child’s future. Do you want to stay in the relationship? Do you have any interest in being a part of the child’s life? If you are the father but do not wish to remain with your partner, are you ready to accept the legal responsibilities? A candid conversation about this will eliminate unnecessary stress and confusion as the paternity testing process moves forward.

 If you are the mother asking the potential father for a paternity test

If you are unable or would prefer not to have this conversation, it is possible to get a paternity test without the father, but it will still require testing someone from his immediate family.

If you do choose to have this conversation and involve him in the process, there are several things you should mention:

1. Express interest in taking a paternity test for his own well-being

Explain that your interest in a paternity test stems from your concern for his own well-being. Informing him that you are not trying to deceive him and would like to give him the opportunity to know for certain if he is the father can reassure him and let him know your heart is in the right place.

2. Discuss the future of your relationship and the child in both possible outcomes.

The next important step in this conversation is to establish an understanding of what’s next, for both the child and your relationship. Discuss each of your wishes for both possible scenarios, whether he is or is not the father. Possible questions to consider are: Do you still love each other? Do you want to stay together, even if he is not the father? What would be best for the child? Expressing your opinions in all of these matters will give the conversation some closure with as few lingering concerns as possible. Painful as it can be, it’s best for all people involved (including your child) for the adults to have mature discussions and then make important decisions.

In the event that DNA test results prove a man is not the father, there are resources available to guide you through the next steps, whether he would still like to be involved in child’s life or take a legal paternity test to establish the child’s true parentage in court.

Asking a partner for a paternity test is hard, and the challenge does not end after your initial conversation. For information on organizations and services to get you through this difficult time, check out these other helpful resources.

Follow us on Facebook and Twitter! If you have questions about paternity tests or other DNA testing services, please contact our  Client Support Center at 888-404-4363, Mon-Fri  from 8:30 AM to 5:30 PM Eastern Time. Our friendly, expert representatives are ready and happy to help. Get answers anytime by visiting our Help Center. 

3 Myths About A Cheating Relationship

Men vs. Women: 3 Myths about Cheating in Relationships

by HOMEDNA on 06/22/2021

There are many consequences when someone cheats on their partner; very often, one of those consequences is not being sure who is the biological father of a child . As a top paternity test lab, we talk to these parents (or the grandparents of a child) every day and their stories are gut-wrenching. It is a love-sabotaging behavior from which some couples never recuperate. So how does it happen in the first place? Why do seemingly loving and committed couples betray that relationship by cheating? Here’s the truth about some of the most common two-timing myths.

Cheating Myth #1: Men Cheat More Often Than Women

This may have been true in the past, but recent data, including a 2015 Indiana University study, suggests otherwise. In fact, men and women are now in a statistical dead-heat: 20% to 20%. Kristen Mark, Ph.D., one of the researchers who contributed to this landmark study, the reasons for the equalizing numbers aren’t absolutely clear. It may be that more women are cheating now, or it may be that – in this age of baring it all on social media – women may be more willing to admit it.

Why does a woman cheat?

According to psychologist Dr. Janne Lomasky, these are the eight main reasons why a woman cheats:

  1. Lack of intimacy and attention.
  2. Revenge after her mate cheats.
  3. Her mate is selfish during sex.
  4. She experiences weight loss or plastic surgery and feels more attractive.
  5. She achieves financial independence.
  6. She has low self-esteem and needs to seek validation from other partners.
  7. She feels underappreciated.
  8. She’s bored with her relationship.

If a woman (or a man too, for that matter) goes in search of greener pastures, even for a few months, the new relationship may result in the need for a paternity test.

Cheating Myth #2: Men who Cheat No Longer Love their Partners

Clinical psychologist Dr. Andra Brosh asserts that men who cheat are often still very much in love with their partners. Your first thought might then be, ‘Well, if he loves me so much, how could he do this to me?’

Why does a man cheat?

Just as a woman does, a man has a deep-seated need to feel wanted, to be wooed, and to feel physically attractive to and desired by a partner. Brosh says that men frequently suffer in silence; they want to feel loved by their partner but feel like they can’t get what they want from her. So although they love their partner and children, some men risk it all to get these needs met through cheating.

Cheating Myth #3: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater

Psychologist Dr. Diana Kirschner insists this statement is a myth, plain and simple: With the glaring exception of sex addicts, there are people who learn and grow from the painful emotional hurricane and the loss of closeness in the relationship that are the aftermaths of cheating. How do you tell when someone has truly changed their cheating ways? According to Kirschner, they’ll express true remorse, cut off contact with the lover, show renewed devotion, and be willing to participate in counseling.

There are proactive things a partner or a couple together can take to help prevent someone cheating again.  A 1988 study by researcher D.M. Buss shows that taking active and positive steps to keep a relationship healthy is the best approach and is much more effective than passive-aggressive behaviors or outright threats. Participants in the study said they are more likely to refrain from cheating if they enjoy these behaviors from their mate:

Actions that communicate love and care: Physical signs of affection, verbal declarations of love and appreciation, and expressions of gratitude.

Enhancing physical appearance: Making the effort to improve looks with a fitness regimen, new clothes, or make-up (for women) helps to keep a mate’s attention where it belongs. Although it may seem shallow, it’s a reality.

Rewarding your partner: It can be as simple as a small gift, a night out, or extra sexual attention. It doesn’t have to be anything major, but it makes a huge difference in how connected your mate feels toward you.

The Bottom Line

For most couples who experience cheating in their relationship, it’s a “make or break” event. If you or a partner has strayed and want to stay together for the sake of the kids or because you are truly committed to your future together, then your relationship can be repaired. But, like anything worthwhile, it takes a lot of dedication, hard work, and patience.   As the old saying goes, ‘What it takes to get a partner is what it takes to keep a partner.’

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Sources

Birch, Jenna. “12 Surprising Facts About Infidelity.” Woman’s Day. Hearst Communications, Inc., 04 May 2015. Web. 17 Aug. 2016. <http://www.womansday.com/relationships/dating-marriage/advice/a6716/infidelity-in-marriage/>.

Blagg, Sheila. “Why Men Cheat vs. Why Women Cheat.” Why Men Cheat vs. Why Women Cheat. Segue Esprit, Inc., 16 Mar. 2016. Web. 17 Aug. 2016. <http://www.divorcemag.com/blog/why-men-cheat-vs-why-women-cheat>.

Bonaguro, Alison. “The #1 Reason Women Cheat.” Men’s Health. Rodale, Inc., 28 Sept. 2015. Web. 17 Aug. 2016. <http://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/female-infidelity>.

Kirschner, Diana, Ph.D. “Relationship Advice: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?” Psychology Today. Sussex Publishers, LLC., 4 May 2009. Web. 17 Aug. 2016. <http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finding-true-love/200905/relationship-advice-once-cheater-always-cheater>.

Lomansky, Janne, Ph.D. “8 Reasons Women Cheat: This May Surprise You!” DivorcedMoms.com | Article. DivorceMag.com, 12 Apr. 2016. Web. 17 Aug. 2016. <http://divorcedmoms.com/articles/the-top-8-reasons-women-cheat-this-may-surprise-you-2>.

Nicholson, Jeremy, M.S.W., Ph.D. “How to Prevent Infidelity and Adultery.” Psychology Today. Sussex Publishers, LLC., 31 Jan. 2014. Web. 17 Aug. 2016. <http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201401/how-prevent-infidelity-and-adultery>.

What a DNA Paternity Test Can and Can’t Tell You

by HOMEDNA on 06/21/2021

When you order a DNA paternity test, what do you expect it to tell you? DNA paternity testing has become so mainstream, and the technology is now so advanced, that some people may expect results to show not only the paternity results, but also specific details and characteristics about each participant. In truth, the reality of what you learn is somewhere in between. Here’s a quick primer on what a DNA paternity test can – and can’t – tell you.

 What a DNA Paternity Test CAN Tell You

 Whether or not a possible father is considered the biological father

This is the whole purpose of using DNA as a testing method for paternity, and it’s by far the most reliable and cost-effective way to determine whether or not a possible father is the biological father. Positive results typically give a probability of paternity of 99.99% (or higher!), and negative results are always 0%. There’s no room for doubt with results like these. When a child’s DNA is tested directly with the possible father’s DNA, a definitive determination one way or the other is almost always the outcome. If you need help analyzing results, our experts are there to help.

A participant’s sex

One of the things checked during a DNA paternity test is whether or not the participant is male or female. This is extremely helpful for a variety of reasons. For example, let’s say someone who orders a test is trying to determine the paternity of their son. When samples are tested, if a technician determines the DNA is from a female instead of a male, the lab can contact the person who ordered a test and ask for a clarification of who the sample belongs to or ask for a sample recollection, if needed. Sometimes DNA gets mislabeled by a client or even contaminated, and so determining a participant’s sex during the testing process is an essential step.

 What a DNA Paternity Test CAN’T Tell You

If a possible father has sent in his buddy’s DNA instead of his own

When you use an AABB-accredited lab like DDC (parent company of HomeDNA Paternity), DNA paternity test results are guaranteed accurate, based on the samples the lab is given. So if a possible father swabs his friend’s cheek for DNA and sends it in under the possible father’s name, the lab assumes on good faith that it is really him and will give report results accordingly. To prevent this kind of fraud, participants (possible father, mother, child) can all collect DNA samples in the same room and send them in together or pay a little extra for a court-admissible legal paternity test, where all collections and submissions are supervised by an impartial third-party.

A participant’s age

Sometimes if there are two possible fathers and those fathers are biologically-related, people think a paternity test can determine which one is the father based on the ‘age’ of the ‘real father’s’ DNA. The truth is it’s not that simple. The only way to determine someone’s age based on their DNA would be to compare a sample taken at birth with a current sample (The Tech). And even that would be an educated guess.

Who the biological father is, if the two possible fathers are identical twins

Identical twins are unique in the population in that they have almost exactly the same DNA. There are 15 genetic markers used for a ‘regular’ test. In order to determine which identical twin is the father, the entire genome sequence for both men would have to be analyzed. This can add up to as many as six billion markers! This makes paternity testing practically impossible and definitely impractical (from a cost perspective) for most people.

If you are the grandparent (or aunt, uncle, brother, sister, cousin, etc.) 

The HomeDNA Paternity home kit is designed for determining the relationship between a potential father and child, which is why the testing fee figures prominently on the box. A paternity test for this price must include the potential father’s samples. If you are trying to connect the dots and determine paternity without the father, you can still use the swabs in the kit to collect DNA from biological family members. Keep in mind, however, that you now are no longer doing a paternity test: you are doing “family reconstruction” testing. This involves testing family members with the child in question to determine a biological relationship and requires much more extensive analysis. For this reason, pricing starts at $399. To see what your options are, we highly recommend you contact us for more information about paternity testing without the father.

>> LEARN MORE ABOUT FAMILY RECONSTRUCTION TESTING

 The Bottom Line

There’s nothing more accurate or cost-effective than a DNA test to determine paternity. It’s just essential to keep in mind that results for this type of test are very specific in their intent: They are designed to tell you whether or not a possible father has a biological relationship with the child in question. Period. If you have other questions that could be answered via DNA, such as whether you are the grandparent, then other types of testing might be the best choice for you.

Follow us on Facebook and Twitter! If you have questions about paternity tests or other DNA testing services, please contact our  Client Support Center at 888-404-4363, Mon-Fri  from 8:30 AM to 5:30 PM Eastern Time. Our friendly, expert representatives are ready and happy to help. Get answers anytime by visiting our Help Center.

 Resources

 “Understanding Genetics.” Understanding Genetics. The Tech Museum of Innovation, 29 Apr. 2004. Web. 02 Dec. 2015. <http://genetics.thetech.org/ask/ask8>.”What Is a Prenatal Paternity Test?” – Health Questions. Gov.UK, 28 July 2015. Web. 24 Nov. 2015. <http://www.nhs.uk/chq/Pages/what-is-a-prenatal-paternity-test.aspx?CategoryID=61&SubCategoryID=615>.

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